I just can't do it. The thoughts come so fast that I have been guzzling beer in an attempt to slow things down, but the practiced tolerance of drinking for 2008 (for honest, I have averaged, AVERAGED, 7 alcoholic drinks per day - I can drink two bottles of wine and then wake up and do it again the next day, hangovers are non-existant and somehow I can still eat one full meal throughout the day, keeping my weight at the sultry 125lbs.) has left my attempts flat on the brain lag and too expensive to continue without more income.
So the last couple of days, playing The Financier have left me face to face with the fear that i have wasted the last 8 years of my life trying to learn the game that rules the world; and now that I have no upward option but to get back into finance and accounting and making money from numbers; I can see the future: it involves me drooling in a straight jacket. Have you seen the movie Quill? All I want is ink and a pen. All I have is a calculator and a new haircut.
The desire of my soul is to dive into psychology. The bent of my mind is to think of philosophy. But the skill of my training is the opposite of these.
I thought I could reconcile all opposites in myself by playing along with them but have found I am only human, though I don't seem to have a human mind, for it dreams of things that are not in this world. How can I have ideas that are not compatible with the present situation of the world? Do the dreams that drive me mad tumble into the psychic compost for more determined minds to grow from? Is my role that of the pioneer and then to be forgotten? What do I care if it is? I won't be making it out of here alive, be it in a coffin or legends, its death all the way down.
I don't want to reproduce because I could never give possibility to these sorts of pains in the heart and head. I have seen that most people admire my ability to think, but can I tell you what a curse it is? This seeing the extremes of all these worlds that make up our variance; this obsession to explain the feelings that posess this damned body of mine. And the knowledge that there are things worth this pain and rewards worth the troubles, but from this troubled mindstate, I can easily discard them to make room for more of the sharpest feelings that I know, those of the extremest of extremes. Sometimes a loving hug draws me, but in truth its no more interesting to me (although to my biology is another story entirely) than a funny tv show...so says the downside.
How i've tried to speak with professional mind-explainers and verify that I am human, but to my chagrin i know more about the mind than those who have received papers saying they know more about the mind. Its not like I am a genius because I don't know how to apply all these marvelous thoughts I live for, but there is undoubtedly some intelligence that is beyond the normal, or at least, habitual, human comprehension - leaving me to rot under the glory of my imaginings.
(I will likely regret posting this later, but its not stopping me...)
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10 comments:
no no no regrets! this is an important post- very.
I know what you mean. I spend inordinant amounts of time with people I think are several levels below slime, trying to convince them that I am right. For real? I lose, a lot. And they treat me like I'm several levels lower than pondscum. But then there are good days when I get to work with and for amazing, beautiful people.
I'm not saying "find your joy in financial hell", but try to find your joy in the time you have. Exploit that ability to play and bounce back unphased. And give yourself a break- you're in transition. And transition can suuuuck.
xoxo
P.S. Boys have way better tolerance than girls. I can drink like you - not get sloppy even - but goddamn if my head isn't aching the next morning!
and sorry if i'm being too mama. ;)
First things first, the ability to get past the headache has been largely reliant on my sleeping through the mornings.
Yeah, but its the joy i've forgotten the name and appearance of, that's why the current plans feel so empty and contrived...because I emptily contrived them.
But yes, I have good friends and family that are great support. And no, I never have been able to give myself a break, after all I can do better than whatever this is. Can't you see it? Its all over the inside of my skull. Just gotta get it out without cracking the bone open. Delicate operation to undertake with shaky hands; but the sun just burst through the last two days overcast and the warmth is reminiscent of comfort in this skin.
and so rough as my wobbles contort, i am not beyond kindness, its appreciated (if not desired by such a scream at the Night)
The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a common place thing but burn burn burn like fabulous yellow candles exploding like spiders across the sky.
'Come to the edge' he said. They said 'we are afraid'. 'Come to the edge' he said. They came. He pushed them.. and they flew.
When I cannot sing my heart, I can only speak my mind.
I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness. Starving, hysterical, naked, dragging themselves thru negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix. Angel-headed hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night... who ate fire in paint hotels or drank turpentine in paradise alley, death, or purgatoried their torsos night after night with dreams, with drugs, with waking nightmares, and alcohol and cock and endless ballsyu
To be nobody but yourself in a world doing its best night and day to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human can fight, and never stop fighting.
These were quotes that came to mind after reading your mind.
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